Sunday, September 14, 2014

Night Nursing

I wrote this on my phone a couple weeks ago during a particularly rough nursing night.  Lucy was up several times wanting to nurse all the way back to sleep, and I was exhausted, grumpy, unable to go back to sleep easily, and so on... And then I went in to see my baby girl and this was the result:

I know its a little crazy, but as much as I complain about night nursing, a part of me will be saddened when this season ends.  95% of me is eagerly anticipating getting an uninterrupted night's sleep and the other 5% is actively dreading that day when my babay no longer needs me. 

Night nursing (any nursing) is hard. When else do you live the rigors of harvesting nutrients from your food just to have all the beat of then siphoned off every few hours. When this has been going on 2-5 times a night for 8 months you get ravenous, thirsty, and more than a little cranky...

Deep down I know that I'll miss it: for me it's those little hands rubbing my arm while she nurses, still and relaxed in my arms as she drinks deeply. Her eyes are closed and occasionally she may lift  hand for a palm kiss followed by a milky smile, but mostly she nurses...back to sleep I'd I allow her. And then its up on my shoulder for a quick snuggle that she rarely gives at any other time and then a transition back to bed... but sometimes I don't rush this moment, I soak in the sweet weight of her sleeping form, inhale her sweet baby scent, and pray over my sweet baby, my first born, the fulfillment of so many dreams, and I pray for her as the years of love and thankfulness fill my heart and catch in my throat. 

Daddy comes to check on us and I know I must put her back in her bed, but first it's one more kiss, one more "I love you, baby girl" one more whiff of her sweet head and down she goes where I smile at her reaching for her paci as she sighs and sucks back to sleep.... 

So I am writing this to remember that I did cherish these moments amid the exhaustion, the hunger, the grumpies, the insomnia.... And all too soon I'll only have the memory of this season and I'll find myself sneaking in to watch her sleep and missing her sweet midnight snuggles when only mama would do.

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